March 1986: France Invented By Accident
France, and therefore the French, were accidentally invented by a team of scientists who were trying to invent the world's first re-usable sandwich. The scientists were held before an international tribunal and stripped of their shoelaces by way of punishment. They were also banned from accientally inventing countries for five years.

July 1987: First and Second World Wars
Occurring within two weeks of each other, the two World Wars were instigated by Germany. In the first instance, Kaiser Wilhelm II created a huge mechanical robot which he personally controlled in order to attack Serbia. Russia and Britain responded with huge walking monstrosities of their own. France, which had conveniently been invented a year earlier, created a giant tower that was used to fire waffles and pancakes at Germany. The so-called "Waffle Tower" has had it's name mispronounced more and more over the years, and now is known as the "Eiffel Tower".

Defeated by a salvo of waffles that struck the giant metal testicles of Kaiser Wilhelm's creation, Germany shrunk back into obscurity for a few days. As recorded with clinical historical accuracy by the computer game Wolfenstein 3D, Germany began breeding zombie soldiers to invade other countries. They were finally defeated in a climactic battle between a lone soldier carrying three guns and a power-suited Hitler. The battle would have been a terrible loss for the allies, had their lone soldier not been able to heal himself by consuming whole chickens during battle.

April 1990: Cuban Missile Crisis
Disaster is narrowly averted when nuclear missiles are accidentally labelled as cuban cigars and shipped out to stores around the world. Luckily, the missiles were recalled before too much damage is done. However, several minor burns were caused when a few unlucky smokers tried to light their "cigars", causing the missiles to trigger painful nuclear explosions. Two people almost died, but recovered later in hospital.

May 1992: Bruce Forsythe is Built
Recognising the lack of well-chinned light entertainers, Bruce Forsythe was constructed at the Jet Propulsion Labs in California. Unfortunately, despite being planned as the most advanced light entertainer yet seen, cutbacks had to be made. Scientists soon discovered that the rotary cannon they had mounted instead of a left arm was not strictly street-legal. The also discovered that the world was not yet ready for a light entertainer with a crotch-mounted torch, for night-time performances.

August 1994: The LAW LORDS are commissioned
In an attempt to put a stop to crime, a team of Law Lords were selected. These six, stocky men are stored naked in stand-up stasis tubes, their big grey beards keeping them alive. When a crime is committed, they step out and don their robes of Law. Each Law Lord has his own method of dispensing justice, in much the same way that their contemporaries, the deplorable Spice Girls, had their own methods of being annoying. Of course, the Spice Girls were destroyed in 1995 by an asteroid that landed on their store of "Girl Power", causing an explosion that ripped their tour bus apart. The Law Lords, however, can withstand a fifty megaton nuclear blast. For this reason, and others, they are alive today to dispense justice.

November 1995: The Anti-personnel Ham Sandwich is Invented
Despite the Reuseable Sandwich Project having been deemed a failure, the research spawned the creation of the Anti-Personnel Sandwich.

Soon, together, we will hold hands like lovers and journey through the final part of History 101. For now, keep safe, my young croutons.

DiscoJustice