Here's some tips on how to be an IT guru. Only for professionals - do not share this with anyone who doesn't work in IT else we're doomed.
 | Do defrags regularly for fit birdsIt goes without saying that you only defrag MILF and fit birds compute... | |
| Have very cool MSN emoticonsObviously only IT staff and fit birds are allowed MSN but to ensure th... | |
| Slag off Microsoft productsMake it clear to everyone that will listen that you detest all things ... | |
| Make words up and get users to use themTo impress your colleagues why don't you dream some shit up and try to... | |
| Screensavers and desktop wallpaper are bannedThey're banned for everyone. Except that bloke that caught you taking ... | |
| Never admit to not knowing what the fault isSo a users PC is hanging randomly? A printer just chews paper for fun ... | |
| Go to Starbucks as often as possibleWalk into town with your Blackberry and mobile on your belt. Carry you... | |
| Internet access and custom firewall rules are for mates and birdsObviously the IT policy document that you drew up means that every fuc... | |
| Say internet speak acronyms as wordsInstead of chuckling say "LOL" - don't spell it, say it. It's ok to... | |
| How to fuck up fuckers that have fucked with youThat cunt from finance who knows where to plug a USB cable is a fuckin... | |
| Drive out of the carpark like a fucking lunaticYou've got shit to do, fires to put out and major league fragging to d... | |
| Wear the same shirt for 5 daysUsers don't expect you to wear Boss or Armani. They want you in Woolwo... | |
| Smoke lotsIt adds to your carefully constructed "stressed and verile" image. Eve... | |
| You must have the best PC in the companyWhen someone orders a new PC, you have it. Fuck them, they won't know ... | |
| Looking absolutely fucked is a good thingNow us fellow professionals know that you're knackered and a bit smell... | |
| Try not to leave your chairUnless it's for MILF or fit trainees, never leave your chair. Enable r... | |
| A messy server room is a "good thing"This is important so don't fuck it up. For fucks sake, never have a... | |
| Preferential treatment to fit birdsOk, here's the deal. You've got some tall, dark geezer from sales who'... | |
| Acronyms are fucking cool. Fact.This really should have been covered in your first hour of induction b... | |
| Swear as much as possibleYou're in a high pressure environment. Time is tight. Deadlines are cr... | |
| Chewed fingernailsIt's expected that any true IT Expert will have totally fucked up fing... | |
| Comedy tieIt's blatantly obvious to ANY IT professional that a comedy tie is de ... | |
| Wear your Blackberry AND mobile on your beltIf there's one thing that is guaranteed to make them damp it's technic... | |
| Leave PC's lying around with the case offIt looks VERY impressive to see cables, motherboards and stuff on your... | |
| Always use keyboard shortcutsWhen fixing a users problem ALWAYS use keyboard shortcuts for everythi... | |